WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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