He disabled his match.com account in front of me
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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