this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
