We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
