If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
