the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
