I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
