Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
