I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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