I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
