Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
