I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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