I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
