do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
