Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Randomize