you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
