I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I'm just crazy horny about you
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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