My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
