You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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