I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
