I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
