you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
