You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I think your dad took our porno
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
