my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
