I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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