I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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