whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Ambien. No doubt about it.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
