Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
