Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
