at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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