I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
