Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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