Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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