just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Randomize
