Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Randomize
