when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
