There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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