his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
