I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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