First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Randomize
