i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
