Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize