i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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