I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
