drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
