I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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