my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize