Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
