I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
