I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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