Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
