Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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