??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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