I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
